Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
