My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
