That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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