Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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