When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
