5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
