i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
