No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
