So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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