your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
everyone is single if you try hard enough
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
