lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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