I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
