call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
