Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
