I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
