I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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