dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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