I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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