That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
