it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
