Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
