How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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