Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
