I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
