Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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