So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
