i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Are we still banned from the library?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
