my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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