My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
