Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
