I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
