Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
