worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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