I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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