he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Slut skills are useful in every country.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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