so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
