I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
