i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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