Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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