i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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