Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
