i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
