I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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