i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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