there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
