Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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