I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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