just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
