Can i not drive my cunt home
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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