Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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